This week we get to learn the origins of my frustration with terrible controls. Seriously, how did so many of you forgive the things this game did? Spoiler Alert: The answer (as it so often is) was boobs. Boobs were why. We also learn what, in my opinion is probably the best video game soundtrack of all time. It’s one song. For the whole game. Are you curious? Well, then you should probably click the “more” button below.
Tomb Raider (Xbox 360, PS3, PC): I remember giving Tomb Raider a shot back in the PlayStation era. Yes, I know many more games have been released since then, but that was really my last experience with a proper Tomb Raider game. I remember thinking the games were a mess even back then. I know they don’t hold up well. People more familiar with the franchise have informed me of that. But, they weren’t really that good back then either. The main thing I remember is how clumsy and terrible the controls were. I’m seriously not sure who thought that shit was acceptable back then. Was it her boobs? Did her boobs make it OK? I can be pretty forgiving to games. I’m certainly not their harshest critic. But, shitty controls have always bothered me more than any other game element. I don’t understand how it doesn’t bother more people. Maybe some people just have a higher tolerance for such things. Maybe they value other things. I can certainly tell you that I can forgive a shit story if a game plays well and makes me have fun. I mean, controls are the real major interaction with the game world. For me that’s usually the first thing I notice. It’s the first feedback we really get from a game. Before a story unfolds, I’m already moving things around. Bad controls can actually destroy a good story for me because I’m too fucking busy trying to make Ezio not fall off a building. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope this one does a lot better. From what I’ve head, it does. I’d like to think we’re past the point where boob juggling tech might make somebody say something nice about a bad game. So, I might be willing to give this franchise another shot.
SimCity (PC): When I was in 7th or 8th grade I had to take a computer literacy class. I knew how to work a computer (though these were shitty, monochrome screened Macs), so I would usually finish assignments early and have free time to do as I pleased. For me and other friends who weren’t complete dolts, that meant playing a lot of SimCity. It was all pretty primitive back then. Laying out roads in a shitty grid pattern actually seemed to work pretty well. It’s my understanding that doing that now isn’t really going to get you anywhere. I actually saw some pretty crazy shit in SimCity games as far back as SimCIty 2000. I remember the day my friend Kevin and I found out what keystrokes were necessary to basically give ourselves unlimited funds. We did not bother to tell our friend Leticia this. When we were both looking at thriving Metropolises after only one class she was immediately suspicious. I assume we eventually told her. But, I wouldn’t put it past us to never reveal our secret. Since then I’ve played a bit of SimCity here and there. I can’t even remember which version(s). I do know that it’s always been something I really enjoyed playing, so it’s likely that I’ll end up grabbing this new iteration. I do a little engineering. It makes sense that I’d be into this kind of thing. Also, I hear you can totally fuck over your friends by making them dependent on some part of your city’s resources, then pulling the plug. That sounds right up our alley.
Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – Mirror of Fate (3DS): I’m sure a lot of you will enjoy this. I’m sure I would enjoy it as well. I’ve just always leaned more to the Metroid side of Metroidvania. There’s a reason it comes first.
Over the weekend I saw an article that pretty much had me rolling on the ground laughing. It was a list of 45 people who should not be allowed to use the English language. I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t share it. So, you can find it here. I read through this with a couple of friends and we were all in pain from laughing by the end of it. I think my favorite is Robby. Poor, poor, stupid as shit Robby. I feel bad for his situation. I hope his grandpa wasn’t an English teacher. YOU’RE KILLING GRANDPA, ROBBY!
MLB 13: The Show (PS3, VIta): I’m a huge baseball fan. I’m a huge sports fan. I’m not a huge sports game fan. I’ve found that my favorite sports video games are actually the sports that I keep up with the least – Hockey and soccer. To say that I keep up with those the least does not mean that they’re my least favorite sports. Not even close. My least favorite is basketball. That’s really not the point here. My point is that the last baseball video game I really enjoyed was Ken Griffey Jr. Presents Major League Baseball (KGJPMLB) for the Super Nintendo. I ran a 162-0 season in that as the Chicago Cubs. I was kind of a Cubs fan as a kid because they were always on TV on WGN in the summer during the day. I’ve always been an Astros fan, but watching the Cubs as a kid has always given me some kind of weird bond with them. Probably my most memorable thing about KGJPMLB was the soundtrack. Once you were off the main menu, the music was literally the same song on a loop. It didn’t matter if you were on a menu, paused, playing a game, looking at stats, setting your lineup, etc. It was always the same song. Tell me this doesn’t get stuck in your head: