Video games come out every week, and I’m going to tell you a thing or two about them. Really, that might be the most I can tell you. I won’t be covering every new relase. That seems like a fool’s errand. Besides, I’m way too lazy to make sure I find every game. If I can’t be informative, maybe I can at least be entertaining.
So what’s on tap this week? We go to space to save… something, I’m sure. We dig giant holes and fight off creepers while simultaneously giving new meaning to the word “bricking” when it comes to your Xbox 360. We’ll take a trip to 1996 and get a little furious with a puzzle game you surely loved years ago. I think at this point we’re also hoping that at least one thing more funny than that “bricking” joke is written between here and the end of this article. Fingers crossed!
Starhawk (PS3): I’m holding on to cautious optimism about Starhawk. I really enjoyed Warhark when it came out all those years ago. The main reason I stopped playing was because none of my friends had a PS3 at the time. Now, my PS3 friend list has grown, but I’m not sure how many people are really willing to put forth the dedication this game will likely require. If Warhawk is to be the measuring stick, the dedication required is considerable. The learning curve was steep, especially once you entered an aircraft. I often found myself having to perform some serious finger gymnastics to stay airborne for more than 20 seconds. I managed to become pretty good at it, but not without a lot of up-front frustration. I’ve been playing flight games since I was a kid. So, not being good at them bugs the shit out of me. That’s why I was willing to put in the time. I’m not sure that kind of thing will work for everybody.
Street Fighter X Tekken (PC): It’s crawfish boil time around this part of the country once again. I’ve been to one each of the last two weekends. For those of you who don’t know what a crawfish is, it’s like a little miniature crab that hangs out in roadside ditches and swamp land. It’s the real cockroach of the crustacean world. For whatever reason, people in the southern part of the country like to boil them, peel them and eat them in a ritual that also removes all the skin from your fucking fingers. I’ve managed to have absolutely zero crawfish at either of these parties. I just grab food on the way and then spend all my time at the party drinking beer. I need the skin on my fingers. I have to write these things for all of you. Also, I text a lot.
Minecraft (Xbox 360): This is one I’m seriously curious about. I’ve done a ton of mining and crafting. I’ve played on servers with about 10 people all playing at once and watched/helped build some pretty amazing things. I don’t think this allows for that kind of support, but it does seem to allow some kind of multiplayer. I’m just wondering if worlds will live in perpetuity like on the PC. This seems like something that’s unlikely given the way Xbox Live is setup. Maybe it’s an Animal Crossing kind of thing where people just visit your world, and can actually modify it? I hope that’s the case, because Minecraft loses a lot of its shine if I can’t set fire to something my friends have been building for weeks. Or flood it. Or flood it with lava, which both floods it and sets it on fire. The benefit of a perpetual server is that you can do these things when nobody is around, leaving your friends to log on to a real shitshow. Look, the guys here at this website are probably not who you want to be playing Minecraft with.
Nexuiz (PC): From the description on GameSpot:
“Nexuiz is a free multiplayer first-person shooter based on a modified Quake engine.”
I really hope the modification is that they somehow time traveled and made the Quake engine a thing that wasn’t built in 1996. I do tend to measure the quality of a game by how much dubstep is in the trailer. So, 10/10 for you, Nexuiz.
Sudoku By Nikoli (3DS): Finally! It’s about time somebody brought the puzzle craze that swept the nation 3 years ago to a portable electronic gaming device, again. I don’t know about you, but I live my life 81 tiny squares at a time.
Games I’m Playing Instead of Any of Those:
Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning: This game is really long, you guys, but still super awesome. I started using Chakrams. They’re giant circular blades that fly around cutting everything to pieces. I don’t know why it took me so long to discover how badass these things are. Sometimes I just walk into a group of enemies and spam the Y button. I can’t tell what is going on, but all the things die. When one throws giant circular blades, that is the desired end game.
Awesomenauts: Well, I mean, I downloaded it. So there’s that.
People Who Will Be Getting All of My Money:
Samsung. Damn you, Samsung. This past week they announced both the Galaxy S III and the Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 10.1. They’re not real big on brevity in naming. I’m already buying the Galaxy S III. Where I’m torn is on the tablet. I’ve bought two Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1s, the first iteration of their 10.1 inch tablet, thanks to the asshole who broke into my truck and stole the first one. I’ve had this thing for less than 6 months you money grubbing fuckface geniuses. Let me keep a little of my money. I have to eat at some point this year.
Why I Kind of Love The Internet:
Our friend Devon posted on Facebook that he had been told he looked like a Super Saiyan. Within seconds, Harris Foster had produced the image below and posted it on Devon’s Facebook page.
Javi one upped him moments later with this image. I love the internet.