Video games come out every week, and I’m going to tell you a thing or two about them. Really, that might be the most I can tell you. I won’t be covering every new release. That seems like a fool’s errand. Besides, I’m way too lazy to make sure I find every game. If I can’t be informative, maybe I can at least be entertaining.
It’s a pretty big week, folks. I made a sword in Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning called “The Burninator.” It burns things, in case you couldn’t connect the dots. I also did a bunch of stealth missions for a band of thieves, but I have zero points in my stealth abilities. So I just ran around burinating the mother fucking countryside. I still stole all the things I was supposed to. I just wasn’t subtle about it. Oh, and some games are coming out this week. I guess we should talk about those. Let’s go!
Diablo III (PC, Mac): My college roommate, Di (pronounced “Z”), played a lot of Diablo II. I’ve heard the game involves a lot of pointing and repeated clicking. The stream of clicks coming from his room at any given hour of the day did nothing to belie that. I imagine that both Di and our young, unpaid intern, Gabe, have each downloaded 15 copies of Diablo III. All 30 of these copies are sitting there quietly, waiting for midnight. At the time this posts, the frenzy will have already began. Bring a backup mouse, folks.
Max Payne 3 (Xbox 360, PS3): First off, your game automatically starts having points deducted when you use the barbaric “3” instead of “III”. Savages. Second, I don’t think Max knows how the lottery works (see video). You see, numbers are drawn, typically in some kind of live television broadcast. Then you check your ticket. If your numbers match those numbers, you then inform the lottery people that you have won. I’m pretty sure they’re also going to want to see the ticket. Nobody comes to you and says, “Oh hey, Mr. Payne? I know you’re in this cemetery, but boy do we have some good news… why are you slowly diving to the right?” Idiot.
Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City (PC): I contacted a Capcom representative who has assured me that “for real this time guys, this is the good one.” The Capcom representative commented under conditions of anonymity.
Battleship (Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, 3DS, DS): I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t Battleship already a game? Yes, it is, but it’s some bullshit, pussy-ass board game. This is a real game. By that, I of course mean a first-person shooter. I hear it stays really true to the books and anime television series.
Men In Black 3 (iPhone, Android): It has to speak volumes to the quality of your licensed game when the box art image says “No Boxshot Available.” I know it’s an iPhone/Android game, but you couldn’t be bothered to throw the MIB logo onto a rectangle? This should end well. The Smith family just can’t leave well enough alone, can they? First Men in Black 2. Then they simultaneously broke Kevin James and Romcoms with Hitch. Then The Karate Kid. Now, Men in Black 3. Remember when you thought westerns, giant spiders and Kevin Kline were cool? Thanks a lot, Wild Wild West. HOPE YOU GOT AN AIRBAG!
PixelJunk 4am (PS3): I think I can sum this up pretty simply. You’re only doing one thing at 4 a.m.
Game Related Music You Should Listen To: Metroid Metal isn’t exactly anything new, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome. It combines two of my favorite things: Metroid and Metal. Those two things are right there in the name. Here, let me show you.
Fucking awesome, right? If that doesn’t get you pumped, then it’s likely we can’t be friends. Ok, we can be friends, but I’m writing you down on my list of people who “probably killed me” should I ever be found murdered. That took kind of a dark turn. I apologize.
I’m going to go wish I was playing Diablo III now while giving my laptop an inferiority complex with words that hurt.