Video games come out every week, and I’m going to tell you a thing or two about them. Really, that might be the most I can tell you. I won’t be covering every new release. That seems like a fool’s errand. Besides, I’m way too lazy to make sure I find every game. If I can’t be informative, maybe I can at least be entertaining.
I think we’re just going to have to live with the fact that not much is coming out for a while. This week isn’t exactly bringing the heat. Luckily it’s summer, so the sun seems to be doing plenty of that here in Texas. Next week at least has NCAA ’13, but this isn’t next week. It is America’s birthday this week, though, so that means Black Cats for everybody! Unless you live in the Houston city limits. Then that shit is totally prohibited. Mother fuckers.
Theatrhythm Final Fantasy (3DS): Despite the vague name, this is a rhythm game. Shocking, I know. It actually does look pretty cool, and is apparently directed right at fans of the soundtracks of Final Fantasy games. The only entry to the franchise I’ve ever spent any time with was Final Fantasy Tactics Advanced. I really liked it, and the music was enjoyable enough. But, I have a feeling it was but a sampling of the music in the more traditional entries. So, maybe this game really isn’t going to be for me. If you don’t know what Theatrhythm is all about, let me fill you in. Symbols scroll across the screen toward members of your party. The idea is to tap, swipe or hold the stylus on these symbols as they pass through a designated area on the screen. The better you time your tap, swipe or hold, the more damage your characters do. This all happens to the rhythm of Final Fantasy music. It also appears to have those RPG elements all the kids love. So, if you’ve been sitting around saying, “You know what Final Fantasy could really use? A big dose of Guitar Hero,” well here you go.
Spelunky! (Xbox 360): Hey guys, did you know that people totally flip their nostalgia shit when somebody makes a game that looks like it’s from our childhood? Well developers sure seem to have figured it out. Actually, I’m glad to see that this game got a slight update graphically from it’s original showing in 2008. I get that people really like that style, but it’s not because it’s pretty. Ok, maybe that’s not entirely fair. People did some pretty cool things with sprites back in the day. But, I think we can safely just look back on those and be happy they existed. MegaMan will always be an iconic sprite. I’m just as big of a sucker for this stuff as the next guy. But, we’re past that age, people. We can still make a fun, simple classic style game without having to make it look bad. Just go watch the video of Spelunky below and tell me the updated visuals don’t make it so much more appealing.
You know I’m right.
The Secret World (PC): Or as I call it, The Secret Game. No really, what the fuck is this game?
Family Tennis (3DS): Thinking of inviting over some friends for a nice game of 3D tennis? Well don’t, you fucking dummy. This shit is strictly for families.
What I’ve Been Playing Instead Of Any Of These:
So Much Team Fortress 2: I had no idea. I had no idea this game was so much fun. I was constantly asked if I wanted to play, and though I suspected my laptop could run it, I continued to decline. It was mostly out of fear that it might not run, leaving me disappointed. But, as I mentioned last week, I now have a new PC. This thing is a beast, you guys. I know Team Fortress 2 doesn’t exactly require a lot of horsepower, but that just means it runs without the slightest of hitches. I’m collecting hats and crates and Pyrovision goggles. It’s all quite exciting. I’ve taken a liking to the Heavy class. I still need to try out things like the medic, engineer, and spy. But, I don’t think they’ll grab me the same way as more combat-heavy classes. Maybe the medic. I think I could see myself digging that. We’ll see. Bottom line is: I kind of fucking love Team Fortress 2.
Penny Arcade’s On The Rainslick Precipice of Darkness Episode 3: That’s a hell of a title. It’s also a hell of a game. I know I went all yelling and carrying on about games that look like they’re from the 16-bit era, and here I am praising a game that does just that. Well, you know what… guy… just… shut up, ok? Javi has stated that the art direction for Precipice completely turned him off. I’ll agree that it’s not desirable, but it’s what Zeboyd Games does. However, it’s what Penny Arcade does that made me buy the game anyway. The writing is so damn funny. Pretty much everything Gabe says is pure gold. I’ve always said that my favorite Penny Arcade comics are the ones where Gabe doesn’t understand a word. That kind of humor is here in scores.
IT’S AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY MOTHER FUCKERS: Drink some beer. Grill some tasty meats. Don’t blow your hand off with a firecracker. Yell at some British people. You’ve earned it, America. Oh, and enjoy this: