Each week I usually pull up a list of new releases, pick a few that I think I can say something about, and then only include those in this post. Occasionally, if I have something I just want to get off my chest I’ll pick a game that I have nothing to say about as a vehicle to just spout off whatever nonsense I feel like spouting. This week, there’s a lot more of the latter. Sorry about that.
Here we go.
Anarchy Reigns (Xbox 360, PS3): A lot of places of business have a sort of radio station that is specific to their establishment. Or, maybe they have a playlist that is corporate approved that has to be played on a loop. Those often also serve as a way to mindfuck employees into submission as they hear “Call Me Maybe” for the 1000th time that day. I would think that there would be more lawsuits on the basis of a hostile work environment in those cases. Sure, everybody wants to keep their job in these tough economic times, but I don’t think people really consider how much mental anguish is worth from a litigation standpoint. I had my own personal nightmare RE: mindfuck music when I worked at a Finish Line shoe store in college. Air Force Ones were a popular shoe, and Nelly had written a song about them. Here’s a quick reminder:
It’s like fucking poetry. The song pretty much made it impossible to find the shoe anywhere, but our corporate appointed music CD had that song on it. So it was a real nice way to make sure everybody ever was reminded to ask us about them every 30 seconds.
Anyway, this all came up because “Party in the USA” was just on the radio in here and I almost stabbed a flimsy plastic straw in my eye.
Earth Defense Force 2017 Portable (Vita): I played a little of the most recent Earth Defense Force console game. It was kind of fun. Dylan seemed to take a shining to it. I guess he’s been a fan of the series. I texted him to let him know this was coming out, and that it was finally a reason for him to pick up a Vita. He simply responded with, “EDF! EDF!” I didn’t get the impression he was about to run out and buy anything.
Dance Magic (PS3): If this isn’t a game that resulted from an inability to get licensing rights to call it Magic Mike: The Game, then I don’t want anything to do with it.
Mondo Casino (iPhone): Hey guys, Darksiders 2? Pretty long game. Holy shit there’s a lot of content there. Most of it has been pretty fun, but last night I came across an area I absolutely could have done without. At one point, Death has to travel back to Earth to collect an artifact that was left there in the first game. I guess this is technically a new dungeon even though it doesn’t really feel like one. Every convention the game lays out prior to this is broken. There’s no puzzle solving or platforming. The whole thing kicks off by making me help some angel lady kill a bunch of rabid humanoid things… though I don’t believe they were ever human. It wasn’t super clear. I wasn’t really paying attention anyway. Angel lady then hands me a giant gun and basically says “don’t die” while giving some super convenient excuse as to why she can’t come along and help. Then every thing turns into a fucking third-person shooter. That alone wouldn’t have been so bad, but the developer was nice enough to also send a horde of those rabid things charging you… oh, I don’t know… every ten goddamn steps. It was borderline infuriating. It wasn’t hard. It was just annoying. I felt like I couldn’t explore the areas freely. There never seemed to be any such thing as a “cleared” room. Then to top it off, there was an audio cue added to signal next wave of enemies. That thing became like a drill bit against my temple. I don’t know why this whole part was handled the way it was. It was if they wrote down a bunch of bad ideas, and then rather than cut them from the game, they just put them all in the same place at once. Fuck.
Descent: The Adventure (iPhone): The invention of a fictional game of the same name is how I got my first blowjob.
She just standin’ there as if I’m shootin’ freethrows,