2012. This could be one hell of a year, but I guess people say that at the beginning of every year. Who’s more trustworthy, though? Those guys, or an unpaid intern? Totally unpaid, mind you. Back to what I was going to say. There’s a lot of games coming this year and news stories with them. So, in order to keep everything simple, I’ve compiled a list of the “Top Stories of 2012.” You’re welcome.
Mind you, these are in no particular order of importance.
NUMBER ONE! God of War 4 is revealed, but not starring Kratos. (Slight GoW spoilers ahead)
It’s pretty clear that Sony isn’t letting go of the crazy popular franchise God of War. However, it’s next release will be slightly different. Our lovely hero/anti-hero Kratos has suffered quite a bit. That guy has been impaled in each one of his godly adventures. That’s going to take a toll on your physical capabilities. I’ll break down his little incidents. First game: Ares got the gold medal in the javelin event by hurling a stake across the fucking world into Kratos’ chest. Second game: Kratos gets impaled by a sword full of his own godly powers. Third game: before someone else was given the opportunity to do so, Kratos took the ritual upon himself to impale his gut again. Now, I’m no doctor, but it doesn’t take a Ph D. to see that your body can only be fucked up so many times. Undoubtedly, Kratos will resurrect himself again (And piss me off while doing so. Stay dead for once! Coming back to life takes away from the suspenseful event of death), but he’ll call it quits. That guy has to be fucking sick of dying. You have to know the right time to throw in the towel and let your equally strong and equally angry brother, Deimos, take over. Sit the next few rounds out, Kratos. Let Deimos die three times, then you can come back.
NUMBER TWO! The Nation formerly known as Game Over is torn asunder by the release of SSX.
I’m not a big bragger, but when it comes to games that I haven’t played, I like to get a little ahead of myself. Over the past few weeks I have been promising Javi that I will beat his hairy ass in SSX. As he should, he brushes this off as playful banter between a lowly intern and his boss. Unfortunately for the both of us, I back up my shit-talking with such Raw Dog Rausch power that Javi can’t stand the sight of the PSN name “RabidWombat9.” He removes me from his friend’s list and leaves the Nation à la Leonardo leaving the rest of the ninja turtles in that shitty TMNT movie.
In all seriousness, this game looks balls to the wall good. Every listener and reader with a PS3 and a copy of SSX will definitely be able to race with your proud Nation leaders and their intern.
NUMBER THREE! Final Fantasy Versus XIII comes out. It disappoints. Hard.
It’s a sad thought, folks. It’s been waited on for years. The odd part about Versus XIII is that it’s been in development for so long but we know so little about it. The original trailer came out at E3 2006. If you’re as bad at math as I am at not thinking about Olivia Wilde, then you’ll need some help with this. That’s almost six years since we’ve learned of this game. What’s been revealed since then? A trailer with some gameplay. Oh, and we know the game uses the color black. A lot. Here’s a little lesson for you: the main character’s name is Noctis. That comes from the Latin word “nox, noctis.” It means night. You see, Square Enix is doing a thing where even the character reflects the environments through his name implying darkness and despair. It’s quite intellige- ah fuck it. Square has effectively dragged Final Fantasy through such a steaming pile of shit that Bear Grills won’t even touch it. What’s that? You liked Final Fantasy XIII? Allow me to introduce you to my friend, denial. He’s a real cunt. It’s because of him I played that fucking game for 120 hours. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
NUMBER FOUR! Every next generation console is revealed at E3
You’ve seen the Wii-U, but what do you know about it? It’s been announced, but nothing about that fucking thing has been revealed. Oh yippee, a tech demo of miis flying around a city. Awesome! So, what am I going to do with it? Maybe it’ll take until the damn thing launches to find out. As for those other lovely beasts, rumors are already pouring out about the next Microsoft console. Six times as powerful, does your math homework, pours coffee for you in the morning. You know, the good stuff. What I can guarantee is that Microsoft will spend much more time naming their console than Sony will. Because, honestly, if the next Xbox is called the “720,” then I quit. I straight up quit.
NUMBER FIVE! Bioshock: Infinite
So, yeah. Bioshock: Infinite. It’s going to be big. Tell your friends.
Easily, this is what I’m most excited for in 2012. Who gives a damn who runs America next when you’ve got a new mother effin’ Bioshock game? It’s new yet calls back to the games of yesteryear through it’s newly announced 1999 Mode; It’s story looks to be amazing; and Irrational Games knows exactly how to immerse players in an entirely fantastical world and make it feel real through myriad pieces of propaganda. The game looks real purty too.
And that’s 2012. I know it’s not everything. I’ll be the first to tell you that I can’t predict the future. I’ll also be the first to tell you that I’m never wrong, but I digress. This year will hopefully beat the life out of 2011. Personally, I was disappointed with 2011 as a whole. The games didn’t wow me as much as I hoped (Still looking at you Uncharted 3), but I’m really optimistic for this year. I’m excited to see new releases, announcements, and of course, Javi’s tears as I beat him down in SSX.