Hey guys, remember that totally non-creepy website, GameCrush? I’d link it, but that would mean I’d have to go there, and a simple deletion of the browser history can’t wash away the shame. Also, I can’t trust that all of you would do the right thing. You won’t delete your own history. You’ll keep those delicious, fat, unattractive tear-soaked cookies for later… or worse yet, I fear that you might sign up.
For those of you who don’t remember, it’s a site where totally not at all lonely and weird dudes go to pay to play games with girls who didn’t even bother to put up a fake picture of a hot chick. Really ladies? Totally unprofessional. That’s of course based off observations made by the GoN crew over a year ago, and maybe they’ve stepped up their game a tad. But, I want to make something very clear: that does not make the premise of this site any less sad in any way whatsoever.
I just got an email from the dude running GameCrush, and it appears that some of his ladies will be at E3. I have taken it upon myself to dissect this email, Fire Joe Morgan style. Here we go!
How the fuck do you know my name?
Will you be at E3 this year?
Fuck no… we don’t get that kind of traffic. We were totally going to prey on the insecurities of young nerds by offering them the chance to play games with moderately attractive women with daddy issues, but some asshat beat us to it. We tried offering a shirtless Dylan, but it wasn’t quite as popular.
If so, you will undoubtedly run into the kick-ass GameCrush gamers who will be attending. GameCrush continues to be one of the fastest growing social gaming sites where members can meet, match and play.
I just said I wouldn’t be there asshole. Also, is it fair to call yourself the fastest growing anything when you’re the only one fucked and creepy enough to do it? We are currently the fastest growing website with a podcast featuring a soundbyte recorded by a listener’s little sister. See, I can play factsmith too.
We are also announcing some big changes that I would be happy to share.
GameCrush is proud to announce: Handies for a Hundo. No, not a hundred dollars, we’re talking Gamerscore boys. You thought those points were worthless, but GameCrush is ready to make them worthfull. We’ll match you up with girls in your area, send them over to your place, and she’ll get to tuggin’. Fear not Stallion83, we’ve got the girls on an amazing forearm workout.
Please let me know if you are interested in meeting, or feel free to stop any one of the dozen+ girls walking the show wearing the “Play Me” GameCrush shirts.
Just call me at 900-555-CRSH. Appointments start at $3.95 a minute.
They are attending on their own and not paid by us,
You guys, these girls are totally not hookers. I swear.
but I am sure they would love to talk with you about their experience on the site.
… and then he started crying and quietly masturbating.
Hey GameCrush, seriously, fuck you.