a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc.
If that’s true, then “Release Date” can just be counted on as a future broken promise. The delay is all the rage these days. It was made popular by things like Duke Nukem Forever, Prey and Too Human, but I think game developers and publishers missed the part where that kind of shit actually upset the people who purchase, or planned to purchase their products. So this week I send out a big ol’ fuck you to release dates.
You get your hopes up… that game you’ve been looking forward is only a month away. You’ve been looking at videos, screen shots, writing erotic fan fiction while furiously masturbating. We’ve all been there, some of us without a highly anticipated game on the horizon. But then the inevitable delay comes. If it’s a big release you can almost count on it. What the fuck game industry? Just take every release date you have planned, add six months, announce that, then give us something to celebrate when you suddenly announce the game will be out early. “Oh but Ryan, we have to try to time our release so that it hits when all the stock markets are at a prime interest mortgage cost over time matrix because our marketing department said that…” FUCK YOUR MARKETING DEPARTMENT. You know what’s bad marketing? Delaying your goddamn game.
“Oh they’re just trying to make the game perfect.” Look, if your game is going to take a few extra months that’s fine. BUT QUIT PLAYING WITH MY HEART YOU FUCKS! Set real expectations on yourself. Bioware, Dragon Age: Origins was supposed to be a Commodore 64 title that made it out just a shade before flying cars. Also, the company that made that flying car has only been around for 5 years. Do you hear me? Some smartfuck MIT grads made a flying goddamn car faster than you made your shitty dungeon repeater. So on what fucking planet did you think Mass Effect 3 was going to be turned around in under 2 years?
With the frequency of delays these days, you’d think this is some kind of sick game being played by silly-rich investors. Like they’re actually offering incentives for how long a release can be dragged out. Right now somebody at Gearbox is holding a giant fucking fishing reel with Duke Nukem Forever tied to the end and they’re watching money pour into a bank account for every day they can stretch it. All the while some sick millionaire investor sits in the corner laughing his ass off while holding down the “transfer cash” button. FUCK. YOU. I don’t even want your game. Somebody has to be chasing your goddamn fishing line for this to be effective. Best I can tell, the last 47 years have been spent making sure you can fit in as much misogyny as possible.
Then there’s the flip side… the games that should have been delayed but weren’t. I’m looking right at you Fable 3. I think even in this situation my six month rule applies. Another six months might have given the developers enough time to figure out what the word “day” actually means. Then again, maybe in Fable Land days are actually defined by the pressing of the A button by a stranger in another dimension watching you on a giant TV while you talk to a very specific person. Then I guess I’m the asshole. Either way, I get it, games sometimes take longer than expected. So why won’t you admit it to yourselves, your marketing department, and most importantly your customers? Telling me that Mass Effect 3 is going to make it out for this holiday then delaying it doesn’t do me any more good than just giving me something realistic to begin with. Plus it keeps me from writing shit like this.
Hey, here’s a fun idea. If you’re going to delay a game, how about you at least make it interesting. Don’t tell us. Set up midnight launches, get your pre-order bonuses ready to go, get your fucking Best Buy front store displays constructed, then… nothing. Just let release day come and go. Send crews out to midnight launches to film the hysteria and anger. Whatever you lose in sales you can probably make up in ad revenue when you launch JustKiddingNerdsItsNotOutYet.com. Not to mention, I’d be pretty entertained, and we all know how important my satisfaction is.
So what about you Nation? What are some of your most disappointing delays recently… or ever? How many of you will I see on JustKiddingNerdItsNotOutYet.com?